


Natural Disaster

by DidiNyx



Series: 2018 Lams Fics [4]
Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: American Revolution, Battle of Germantown, Character Study, Emotional Support, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Historical Inaccuracy probably somewhere, Historical References, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothetical Scenario, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury Recovery, Inspired by Music, Internal Conflict, LGBTQ Themes, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Military Training, Period Typical Attitudes, Philosophy, Pining, Post-Relationship, Reflection, Revolutionary War, Self-Discovery, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Tendencies, War, john stop getting hurt pls you deserve so much more better, sassy alexander lmao, they're both so damn stubborn, this is mostly dialogue so you have no excuse not to read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-03-30 15:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13954188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: Where'd you wanna go?How much you wanna risk?Some superhero,Some fairytale bliss...I want something just like this...But I'm not the kind of person that it fits-"You didn't survive because of luck. You survived because the fire within you was brighter than the fire around you.""Fire wasn't the thing that was going to kill me.""-Yet it's who you are. The storm couldn't wash that away. No force of nature could, for you're a force of nature all by yourself.""And what about you? You expected to die."There was a silence.-"All people see fires, storms, explosions, or landscapes; but how many feel the flames, the lightnings, the whirlwinds, or the harmony? How many have an inner beauty that tinges their melancholy?" -Emile M. Cioran





	Natural Disaster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CCKitty](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=CCKitty).



> In honor of my best friend, Angela. @on-the-outside-always-looking-in.tumblr.com
> 
> *throws this at you while trying to work on my bigger lams project* *yeah the first chapter of that is finished i just need to figure out when i'm going to post it!!*
> 
> finally i manage an Alex POV. yes this was coined from my other work

The door to the aide's cabin swung fiercely open, causing Tench to jump but only resulted in a look of annoyance from Alex. 

"Marquis?" Alex asked in amusement after the Frenchmen blushed apologetically. "Back already?"

Lafayette nodded. "Yes, I have come to share some news."

Tench grumbled slightly under his breath, smoothing his uniform as if collecting himself. "Is it worth nearly scaring the boots of me?"

"Oh, we wouldn't want that," Alex said, turning to the other man with a teasing smile. Tench shoved Alex goodnaturedly and told Lafayette "Please, tell us the news. I need a break from _this guy's_ blabbermouth."

Alex colored slightly. "You're just upset because I'm right."

"I've been here the longest."

"So?"

"That gives me an advantage."

Alex huffed. "That doesn't make you any less wrong."

"Knave."

"Piss off."

"...Are you two done?"

"Yes," Alex answered for both Tench and himself. "Do make this quick, we have lots more work to finish."

"Because you've been distracting us _both_ with your useless argumentative tendencies-"

"Tilghman, do be quiet."

"Alexan-"

"John is hurt," Laf blurted.

Alex spun around quickly, nearly knocking Tench over. "What do you mean, _hurt_?"

Tench matched Alex's concern (though less dramatically).

Lafayette took a deep breath, something he normally did when he had to explain something complicated the best way he could when trying to balance both his French language and of course English. "Well...We were training, right, and-"

"Hold up," Alex interrupted, and Tench sighed once more. "John is already hurt from his injury during Germantown."

"Affirmative."

Alex bit his lip. For reasons he never could quite understand, his dear friend was quite self-destructive and never seemed to be out of harm's way if he could help it. With his selfless attitude and crave for military glory (a desire Alex could relate to and therefore chose not to criticize), John always happened to be the one getting the most frequently injured, both in battle and in everyday circumstances. His restlessness explained his actions well; Alex could believe he almost _wants_ to be hurt.

"So he has injured himself... again, despite being given direct orders from His Excellency to be more careful?"

Lafayette nodded. "Don't worry, Alexander. It's nothing serious. Can easily be fixed. He may just need rest afterward."

"Well, yes, that is likely. _You_ didn't injure him, did you?"

"Oh, no! I was there, though."

"Who injured him?" Alex asked in an even tone, though resentment could be easily spotted in his eyes.

"...It was an accident."

"That didn't answer my question."

Lafayette threw his palms up in surrender. "Someone who isn't particularly _used_ to camp yet, so you must take pity."

"Hmph."

"Where is he injured?" Tench asked. "Not his arm, I hope? I mean, his right one. Then he won't be much use to us, meaning I'd have extra correspondence to transcribe."

Alex shot Tench a warning look.

"What? Don't come for me; I am truly concerned and all, but injuries are common."

"It's true." Lafayette tapped his fingers on a nearby desk nervously.

Alex rolled his eyes. "I am aware."

"And, to answer your question, he's injured his right arm..."

"So, an injured arm and an injured ankle? That sums up yet another week of _The Injuries of Lt. Colonel Laur_ -"

" _Do_ shut up," Alex hissed.

"-So yeah, he's going to get treated eventually, but..." Lafayette shrugged. "You know John. He's stubborn."

"Oh, don't I know too well," Alex said, brushing his ginger hair out of his face. He smiled and hooked his arm with Lafayette's. "Well, I suppose that's my cue to leave."

Tench stopped them after they reached the door. "Wait! What about all these letters..."

"You're very much capable of taking care of it yourself." Alex winked. "You've been here the longest after all."

Tench snorted. "Don't coddle John too much when you get there, would ya?"

Alex let the door shut in the other aides' face.

* * *

 As Lafayette began to talk aimlessly about countless things, Alex found his attention drifting away from the conversation and into his own thoughts of concern. Yes, it was common for John to get hurt, but that didn't mean Alex just _stopped worrying_. Out of habit, he simply was concerned too much about his friend in general. His thoughts were already absorbed with _John Laurens_. He couldn't really help that.

"-Alexander?"

Alex snapped out of his trance, his friend's voice bringing him back to reality and slowing his heart rate. "Er, yes?"

"He's that way." Lafayette pointed to a small field area behind the last rows of cabins where a few troops either swung a little with their swords or stood idly, observing. _We should probably report that eventually, once all this chaos is over._

Sure enough, Alex's eyes landed on the familiar frame of John. Relief washed over Alex, yet he scolded John in his head. _Why are you still over there? You're going to hurt yourself again._ He stood, this time with no partner, demonstrating his brilliant swordsmanship.

Alex admitted he was proud and jealous at the same time.

"-So, I'm just going to go now...Tench may need some help with that correspondence. Unless Meade or Harrison decide to show up?"

Alex realized he'd been staring. "Yes, you're right. Make yourself useful... Remind me I owe you afterward for missing this one."

Lafayette smiled. "No need. Take care."

"You too."

Sharing a friendly handshake, the two went their separate ways. Alex jogged to John, being careful not to trip over any leftover weapons ( _Seriously, who does this?_ ) or to run into anyone. In excitement, he called "Laurens!" and John looked up, almost confusingly.

Once he processed it was Alex, his face brightened though he still looked preoccupied. "What are you doing here?"

Alex flashed his most charming smile. "Why, Marquis told me you were up to your tricks again, _Lt. Colonel Laurens_." He stretched the title out proudly.

He paused a moment to fully appreciate his friend's figure. Tall, lean and tan he held himself with such dignity and confidence that Alex could bet that other soldiers wish they could have the same. His hair was messily tied up in a bun, and his cheeks were still flushed from all of the physical activity. A small, cute smile made it to John's lips, and he blushed more.

"Oh, stop flattering me."

" _Never,_ " he said, smile not fading until he glanced at John's bleeding arm, and became alarmed once more. "You're bleeding!"

"Oh?" John looked down, observing the injury while still holding his sword. "I didn't notice."

Alex's eye twitched, though he forced a smile. "Drop your sword, smart one."

"Ha, ha." John obeyed, surprisingly, but then said in protest: "I was managing fine."

"Uh-huh."

" _Veni_ , _Vidi_ , _Vici_."

"...You did not just use that Roman terminology against me."

"I did."

"I am disgusted and proud."

"Story of my life."

Alex huffed. "One day your arm is just going to fall off, and then you'll feel guilty for ignoring me."

"I just did what you asked me to, did I not, _Alexander_?" A playful glint made its way into John's eyes as he leaned lower to reach Alex's height.

Alex shivered at John's lowered voice. "...You know what I mean."

John shrugged. "Still....I'm fine."

"Tell that to your bleeding arm."

"Hey, I used my left hand too! I'm quite skilled at it, actually, if I am to be honest..."

"Oh, I'm sure you're _very skilled_ with both hands," Alex said with his cheeky grin, and John turned a deep red once more. "But that is not the point. You're going to get that looked at."

John rolled his eyes. "You're lucky I'm done with training, for now anyways."

Alex held John's left hand. "How are you still alive?" he asked as an afterthought.

"I ask myself the same thing, constantly."

* * *

 Alex arrived to see Tench alone in the cabin.

_Odd. Where is everybody?_

"Where's Lafayette?"

Tench shrugged. "Talking to the General. Come sit." He gestured to a nearby chair.

Alex sat down, slightly suspicious. "What is it?"

Tench smirked. "See all of this?" He gestured to a stack of papers, smug. "That was all me. Marquis-" He gestured to a smaller stack. "-Proved himself useful. So, how was your little checkup?"

"John is going to be fine," Alex said stiffly. "He's as reckless and stubborn as always, so nothing's changed. He's strong, he's actually healing pretty quickly... If he could just get it through his head to just _relax_."

"I mean... look who's talking."

Alex ignored Tench. "Where's my round of correspondence?"

"Oh! Meade is fetching it, along with his work for today."

"...I assume you are finished?"

"Very much so, though I think I'll stay and help you poor souls."

"Ha, ha."

"Just doing my job."

"Sure."

"You cannot deny so."

"Don't think this is payback for this morning's argument."

"I would never."

Alex huffed but grinned. Good old Tilghman. 

Meade entered shortly, panting and holding the group's next work. "Back. Had to listen to Washington give a lecture to a group of _volunteer soldiers_. If only they were all like John, we'd have it made."

Alex smiled at this comparison. "Yep, that's our John."

"So," Tench said. "How much we got?"

Meade dropped the stack of letters. "Not bad, actually."

Alex nodded, quite surprised. "This'll do. Is His Excellency in a good mood today?"

Meade smiled cheekily at Alex and ignored his question. "Back from coddling?"

"For the _last time_ , I do not-"

"Never mind, okay, we'll drop it. Relax, I was joking." Meade sat beside Tench.

Alex breathed in and out, staring at one of the letters he grabbed from the top of the stack.

It was almost unfair, being judged this way. It was a mockery of his character, of his concern for his friend- a more _intimate_ concern that was already considered "sin". After the hurricane, his dad leaving, falling deathly ill and watching his mother die, and afterwards experiencing the amount of suffering in war... He thought he had every right to be worried to lose the only other person he cared so affectionately for.

Sure, Washington was a father figure. He did, in fact, care about him, so very much.

Yes, Lafayette was a friend and his fellow aides were family too, almost like brothers.

...John made his way into the deeper parts of Alex's heart, against all odds.

Alex was social; he learned to be that way due to his years working at a trading charter in Nevis. He had to learn to communicate, to be convincing and sympathetic in order to do his job so he could survive, make at least some profit. But he learned the hard way not to let people in... _I don't keep friends_.

Because he couldn't; they all died or left him.

His charm, his humor? All a facade, all a mask to keep people out.

For the longest time, he wouldn't even let Lafayette embrace him, for it reminded him of the very day his mother died in his own arms. He tried hard to push people away, even _including_ Lafayette. He'd speak his away around any suspicion people had about his past, and when people _did_ try to get too close... It wasn't pretty. Alex had physically shoved Lafayette once. He got into multiple fights. He used his words as a weapon when he should have used it for healing.

 _Mama_...They were left with little to nothing. It was dark, they were terribly ill, and somehow Alex survived but not his courageous, affectionate mother who provided Alex with a home, with kindness, with a sense of purpose.

She did everything right. Yet she died.

John Laurens? Selfless. Courageous. Brave. Kind. Honest. Pure. Passionate. Hardworking. Beautiful. Responsible. Reliable. Loving.

...And so terribly reckless, and stubborn, and so easily willing to die.

It wasn't fair.

He couldn't lose John. He didn't _want_ to lose John.

He wanted him to stay in his heart, however much it may cause him pain.

During the Battle of Germantown, he yet again had to look at his own friends and family willingly walk into danger. They are in _war_. They must expect to fight viciously, to defend their new country, or die trying. There is no guarantee you'll live, no matter how brave or strong or clever you may be. You have to fight. You have to watch others die, over and over again. That's something you can't simply forget or unsee.

There has always been talk of glory on the battlefield. But the truth is, while people write epics and ballads of the heroic deeds and benefits battling have given civilizations, war will always be a tragic misfortune. Death of the innocent and selfless, fields and fields of graves after the war's finally over... Is that glory?

One of these deaths, one of these graves, one of the millions suffering every day... That could easily be John. 

And he _did_ get hurt.

You cannot prevent death. You do not have a say in who lives, who dies, or tells your story. But Alex felt responsible, that maybe he could actually keep John safe.

The gospel truth? No one is safe in war...

It's a natural disaster that claims countless lives, except the physical world could never approve it.

_And speaking of things the world could never approve..._

Alex almost didn't realize the inkblot forming on his paper.

* * *

 Naturally, Alex was done with his stack of correspondence first. 

Tench raised an eyebrow. "Funny, I recall you started later than all of us."

Alex shrugged and hastily got up. "I'll be back. Maybe there's more work to be done."

Meade rolled his eyes. "Surely this should be it for today?"

Lafayette spoke up: "You know how war is. There's bound to be news every day."

"Not this much," Tench muttered.

Alex didn't go to General Washington for more work. He went to see John.

He avoided any eye contact on his way but tried to remain casual. It wasn't like he was breaking the rules, but really, it wasn't anyone's business. Besides, he was tired of explaining his "clingy" behavior. (Again, not his fault. _John could have died_.)

Upon reaching the door, he paused briefly. Taking a deep breath and straightening out his hair, he knocked faintly on the door. "John?"

"Come in, Alexander."

Alex smiled though it morphed into a grin when his eyes landed on John's. "Hopefully I'm not too terribly late?"

John shook his head, smiling back. "You're excused. Come sit."

There was a chair beside the cot John laid on, almost as if he was expecting a visitor. "Well, that's convenient."  

John blushed slightly, though not nearly as red as when Alex was teasing him before (which Alex admitted he missed). "Of course. You were bound to show up eventually."

"Have you gotten any rest?" 

John shrugged. "It's been hard to. Simply because I don't _want_ to be resting right now."

"Ah, yes, Jack already misses the battlefield."

John brushed away Alex's concern. "I'm fine. I don't need rest. I need-"

"-You do need to recover."

There was a brief pause. "Yes, and now that you're here I am bound to recover much more quickly."

Alex looked down, hoping to hide his own blush. "Right..."

"How much work did I miss?"

"A pretty decent amount. Tench and I were doing the first few before Meade and Lafayette showed up too. Since then we've been working hard and made a lot of progress. You have nothing to worry about."

John tapped his fingers on the cot. "I suppose so."

"What've you been doing?"

"Besides laying here? Left to my own thoughts. You know, about the war... our duty, our fellow troops. Anything that happened to cross my mind. I've drawn a few things too." He rushed the last few sentences.

Alex brightened. "May I see?"

John considered this. "Maybe a _few_ of them..." He went through the stacks of papers at the side of his cot. His eyes scanned each one as if he were only choosing the best. "Here." He handed four papers to Alex.

Two were flowers, the other two were landscapes. 

"Beautiful as always," Alex concluded.

"Me or the art?"

"Aren't they the same thing?"

John looked away, but Alex could still see his smile. "You tease."

"Well, you know me." Alex handed the papers back. "Remind me again how you became so skilled?"

John looked like he was having the same flashback as Alex from a few hours ago.  _Oh, I'm sure you're_ very skilled _with both hands._

"Practice. Mother encouraged me. I enjoyed it, so... I continued. In fact, I stopped after father began pressuring me even more so than usual with law or whatever. Odd how only when I got mixed up with this war that I started to draw again."

Alex nodded, understanding. "Sometimes we return to our own ways when we need them most."

"Exactly."

Alex frowned suddenly. "Wait, why are you drawing when your right arm is injured? _John_. We just went over this."

John smiled smugly. "I'm left-handed, Alex."

"Well, in that case-Wait, _what_?"

John laughed.

"You're joking?"

"No, I'd never."

"But..." Alex looked confused. "You fight with your right hand. You've _always_ used your right hand!"

"Same answer as before: Practice."

Alex blinked a few times, processing. "Huh. Anything else you want to tell me?"

John shrugged. "I think that's all?"

"How come you've never told me before now?"

"It didn't matter before now," John said simply.

Alex huffed. "Well, I see why you'd _want_ to use your right hand."

John nodded, now more serious. "Father forced me to learn how to use my nondominant hand. We wouldn't want another reason for me to be the damaged child, such as disliking law and having other... queer interests."

"You are not damaged."

"Oh, no, and Father didn't think so either, but still. Just throwing that out there." John chuckled. "More reason to think I'm a witch or something."

"Kudos if you've ever actually surprised an enemy by using your left hand."

"It's happened."

Alex gaped. "You're unbelievable."

"What I do best."

Alex grinned. "The more I learn about you, the more I wish to know more."

"Trust me, you have plenty of time."

That was a lie. Oh, surely he knew that was a lie? 

They were in the war.

If anything, time is one thing they _didn't_ have.

No matter what could be promised... Staying alive didn't apply.

_It's only a matter of time._

Alex took a shallow breath. Without thinking- without even knowing where it came from- Alex asked: "You know what _my_ mother used to do when I was sick or hurt?"

John frowned. He knew very well this was a touchy subject. "What did she do?" he asked gently.

"She'd read to me." Alex glanced around. "You have a book?"

* * *

After John told Alex where the books he had in his cabin were, Alex even went to the aides' cabin and his own to grab a few more, getting confused looks from Tench and Meade.

"What are you doing?"

"Experimentation."

"Oh, no."

And as soon as Alex came back, he let John pick which book he wanted to hear first. "I admit I haven't read all of these," John said.

"I have."

"Of course," John said, rolling his eyes halfheartedly. 

They were left unbothered for maybe an hour and a half. It was already pretty late in the day. Alex stopped once to fetch some food for the both of them but continued to read until his voice was hoarse and when John kept nagging at him to take a break.

Alex yawned with visible bags under his eyes. "I'm..." He yawned again. "...Not that tired."

"Alexander, you look like you're about to fall out of your chair."

"I'm fine," he said weakly.

John got up and gestured to his cot. "Rest, Alex."

Alex obeyed. He didn't feel like arguing.

"What 'bout you, John?"

John smiled. "I needed to stretch anyways."

Alex laid down but kept his eyes open.

John eventually sat down next to Alex and felt his head. "Okay, at least you're not sick this time."

Alex couldn't meet his eyes.

"Hey, Lex," John said gently. "You okay?"

It took too long to respond.

"Alexander..."

"Do you ever just think about the war?" Alex asked suddenly, then cringed. _Of course he does. We all do._

John frowned. "Yes. Have you, lately?"

"Yes..."

John held Alex's hand, and Alex inhaled sharply. "Tell me, please."

Alex became uncomfortable. Not with John, no, not with his questions or physical contact. Not due to his words, or his presence. But simply because Alex hated being vulnerable. He was done with feeling that way. He couldn't afford to feel helpless...That's what he had learned, all those years ago.

"Alex."

Reality came back. "Germantown."

"Yes?"

"You could have died."

"You..." John was at loss for words. "Have you expected me to?"

Alex sat up so suddenly John nearly jumped. "No," Alex said stubbornly. "Of course not. You're strong, you're--you're not supposed to die."

John squeezed Alex's hand. "No one should die, no. We all eventually... That's simply something we cannot prevent."

Alex looked down, forcing back tears. "I _know that_." His voice became strained. "It's just- John, I have lost so many people. You cannot be one of them."

John opened his mouth to speak but Alex continued: "Mother wasn't supposed to die. Yet she did. I was poor, I was sick, I was-- _am_ a bastard child. Why did I live? Why was I, of everyone there to witness the hurricane, the lucky one to live?"

John met his eyes. He looked concerned but he obviously understood, and he obviously cared and _oh why is John so loving?_ "You didn't survive because of luck. You survived because the fire within you was brighter than the fire around you."

"Fire wasn't the thing that was about to kill me."

"-Yet it's who you are." John now held both of Alex's hands. "The storm couldn't wash that away. No force of nature could, for you're a force of nature all by yourself."

Alex swallowed back a sob. "And what about you? You expected to die."

There was a silence.

"...Maybe so."

" _John_..." Alex pulled John's hands to his own heart. "I can't lose you."

John pulled Alex close and embraced him tenderly. Alex buried his head in John's collar, hugging back tightly.

"You won't," John promised. "I don't care what anyone says. Absolutely _nothing_ will keep me from you, even _death_ , I swear." Then he added: "I'm not dying."

"You can't...possibly promise that."

John gently forced Alex's head up so he could look at him. "Yet I do." He stroked Alex's chin softly, one hand still on Alex's back protectively. He met Alex's eyes once more and smiled when Alex returned his look of understanding.

His lips briefly touched Alex's forehead, and Alex exhaled contently, his hands finding the back of John's neck. "Thank you."

John smiled. "Anything for you, dear."

"You'll stay alive for me..."

John pulled Alex closer. "Yes, yes, I will forever do so for you, and for you only, no matter how much..." He took a deep breath. "No matter how hard it is."

Alex nuzzled John's chest. "An injured arm and an injured heart. That's quite a combo."

"You are not injured."

"And you are not damaged."

John pressed his lips to Alex's forehead again. "No, I guess not..."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trying lmao life is hard
> 
> queennyxie.tumblr.com
> 
> my bigger project should actually be posted soon thank god  
> (technically i have /another/ whole thing to work on but let me have peace)
> 
> Because I love you guys, look at some of my professional™ notes I wrote before making this:  
> -and so Laf's like zOOM WASSUP um ur boyfriend's injured lmao  
> -Tench: thank god pls take him away from me i cant take his ranting anymore  
> -"don't die"  
> "lmao i like pain"  
> -A reflects on j's self-destructive (coughsuicidalcough) tendancies  
> -Tench and idk Meade or someone mentions coddling  
> Alex: !!!  
> "i cant help it my mom died in my arms and for the rest of my life ive never cared about anyone as much as john so if you excuse me i have every right to be concerned did i mention he is my forbidden lover like we have some tragic dramatic scottish tragedy shit going on stfu i hate you all" angsty boy mood  
> so yeah he reflects on..that  
> -So Alex is like "fuck it imma see meh bf" and you know checks on him  
> -they pass time by OMG gay nerd alert bfs reading shit to each other and/or alex is trying to get "poetry advice" lmao dude what ev-
> 
> AND for historical reference:  
> http://john-laurens.tumblr.com/post/140987601693/is-there-any-indication-ever-of-laurens About John being left-handed... it's not confirmed, though there is proof. Here's a little info on that, if you're interested. (I simply like that theory better ok)  
> Information on why people thought being left-handed was so bad (I take offense):  
> http://allthatsinteresting.com/left-handedness-evil


End file.
